i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
