I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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