You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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