The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
