I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
