The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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