My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
