i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
two words: eviction party
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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