No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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