Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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