I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
