No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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