I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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