doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
