Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize