I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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