I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
