I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
