Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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