somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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