I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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