I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
