I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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