My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
