4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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