allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
