I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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