Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
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I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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