so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She is in my trunk
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
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