i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
if only i could text you this smell
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
