nut hugger
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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