I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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