I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
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Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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