I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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