we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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