Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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