she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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