I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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