I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
