just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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