I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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