FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
