omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize