Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
