If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
