Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
