I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How does one acquire holy water?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
