Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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