I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
