I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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