the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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