fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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