I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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