if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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