I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
