is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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