My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
