3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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