Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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