Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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