We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
