Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
