Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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