He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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